lost it -

2005-03-03 @ 11:08 a.m.

I don't even know who i am anymore or where i am or what i am doing. I am a mindless drone functioning as a machine in the factory of corporate monotony. I've lost it. I'm burnt the f*ck out. I haven't done any of the little ass things that make me happy in a long ass time. Aside from work I've been trying to sustain and make black and white sense of an extremely gray double life that has spiraled into some abstract form that I no longer have control of. I need to find my way. I need to reconnect with myself. I'm a shell. I haven't hung out with the people i need to that help me forget about this shit. One of whom is leaving in a few weeks and I will be even more enraged with myself and this box of life if i don't get to share a drink with him before he bounces coasts.

It's my mom's birthday tomorrow and I haven't even been able to think about what to give her or do for her and she will be here in the next 24hours.

It's one of my closest girls big 2-5 on Saturday and please I haven't been able to even try to truly show how I want to celebrate with her.

I haven't even been able to send my man's mom her bday present that I have sitting here for her celebration that past 2 weeks ago.

These are the things I care about, not whether or not my budget is up or down due to a $2MM my finance team made me accountable for after they f*cked up. Whaatever, at least i can say that's finally done after weeks of dealing with that shit. It's funny my boss said in January "by end of January we should be good" then that came around and it was "by the end of febrauary, things should slow down" now its March and its not looking like shit will slow down until MAYBE end of April.

I've been living out of a suitcase and yet all i really want to do is leave it behind and go somewhere in the distance far far far away where i can remember who the hell i am.

"Inveniam viam aut faciam." = "I will find a way, or make one." Damnit.

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