daddy

2003-12-16 @ 10:46 a.m.

I wrote a letter to my Dad last night.

I had an eerie feeling all night after getting off the phone with my (half) brother. He told me that my 8 yr. old neice, who had never met my father, saw him on his birthday bathed in light in her bedroom.

I was scared shitless to think that I could ever possibly forget my father, ever lose the memories I have of him for to lose those I would be losing him.

The holidays are bitter sweet time for me ever since my father's "re-birthday."

Family is the most important asset to anyone and to think that for one minute I may be putting myself before them hurts. I was hurting last night hurting from the thought that I didn't acknowledge his birthday- to myself, to my mom, to my brothers, to him. I'm trying to convince myself that day was spent by me celebrating his life. It was the day of the first heavy snow. It was the day I couldn't sleep and woke up at the crack of dawn from excitement. It was the day I was alone but at peace. It was the day I spent in Central Park admiring the beauty of the blanket of innocence being tucked in over this cold city. It was the day I first felt at home in NYC. It was the night I slept so well.

I'm trying to believe that he would have preferred it that way, he would have preferred me not being sad. He was never one for birthdays anyway or being reminded of how old he was becoming. He has a new birthday now anyway, a day of re-birth, a day that marks the beginning of his new life free of worry and stress and filled with light and love. A day that is conveniently reminded to me by the fact that its Father's Day.

I feel his presence everyday, I know he is watching over us. I just regret not sharing that day with my family. I hope they don't think I was being selfish. I hope they saw my excitement from that day in the pictures that I shared with everyone.

I'm trying hard to not put myself down because I know and he knows that I will forever be Daddy's little girl.

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