TiVo

2003-12-10 @ 11:55 a.m.

Do you sometimes wish you could TiVo your life? Have the ability to fast forward, pause and rewind for a do-over if need be?

I say this because as much as I want to retain my youth I sometimes wish I could see what 5 years will bring me. I know it would probably be wrong and against my desire to live a spontatneous existence. But, sometimes I just need that affirmation that everything I am doing for him and for me right now is for a reason, that I'm not missing out but without sacrificing what we have. I love him with all my heart but sometimes I forget my age and the fact that I have the ability to do pretty much whatever I want because of my youth and lack of responsibility. Don't you ever get that kind of "what if?" thought.

Regardless I seem to have set up yet another parallel life between my NY and DC co-existence. I'm enjoying myself, too much sometimes, yet, more often, not enough.

I'm tripping.

Overall I feel I am in a good place, that we understand each other. It's nice actually, it's pretty low maintenance for the most part. We have a different kind of relationship, the kind that most just don't get. Maybe that's what i LOVE about it. Perhaps it's more in terms of my career and life accomplishments that's hazy. Do i go back to school? Part-time and work? Or full-time and pay my dues? Do i go for business or for the love of learning? How long am i gonna be in NYC? Should I just pack up and travel? Should I just put it all on the line and go after what I really want without fear of wondering my next meal will come from?

My picture is just a little snowy right now, and I think i just need to re-adjust the antenna to avoid the interference. I just can't wait for that day where I lose the antenna and the foil and finally get to see that clearer image.

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