burns

2003-08-12 @ 2:42 p.m.

so i skipped work yesterday and for some reason i always feel so guilty doing that even though we get 10 sick days. i just didn't feel like doing it and i just couldn't sit in my box all day again let alone on a MONDAY.

so i have come in today pretending to not be feeling well. i said i just haven't been able to rest, which is somewhat true every since an encounter with an electrocution last week.

anyways so im sitting at my desk this morning and we get hit by a worm, virus, something- basically i can't get any work done, hence i am stuffing my face with a throw back cafeteria lumch (chicken fingers and curly fries)and writing in my diary.

i know my clients are flipping a shit cause i was out yesterday and they can't get in touch with me today partly cause i won't answer my phone and mostly cause email is down, but oh well, let them squirm for once. and now that my boss and her boss and basically every symbol of my authority in my end of the dept has left for a business trip, i'm definitely not very motivated right now.

anyways so as i was sitting here doing everything BUT working, i got an email from an old friend of mine. i met this guy on a greyhound bus en route to NY from DC 4 summers ago (sheesh thats a long ass time). somehow i have managed to stay in contact with him, or he with me since i am pretty bad with keeping in touch. he lives in paris and is in some elitist business school that allows him to travel internationally to gain real world international business eperience, hence why he was in DC that summer. this guy, man, how i envy aspects of his life. his brother lives in NYC, his sister in Singapore, which he visited recently. He now temporarily resides in Thailand working and taking classes there.

So, within this email, which was short-worded, he sent pictures of his recent 12 day trek through Nepal, after of course his week long stay in the Philippines. He didn't need words, the pictures said everything. These pictures were amazing, like pure natural untouched beauty.

I need that right now as i sit in my box. I tried to transport myself there by putting one of his pictures as my desktop and hiding all my icons (great feature by the way) to get that much closer to being where he is. but DAMN. i need to be there right now. he's doing it, can i too? it makes me think of my options and my fastly fleeting youth and how if i want to act, i have to act now! travel, start a business something....but what about stability? a paycheck? benefits? my apartment? retiring by 30? how can i do this and still live my passion and dreams (all of which i could never narrow down to one desired goal)? ... bringing me to the MTV diary i watched last night with Brittany Murphy, all she kept saying was "how many people can say they are living their dreams? and yet still dreaming? and i'm doing it!" i know I can't say that...i mean to some extent i guess i could but at the rate i am going i will need glasses and wrist braces within a couple of years...that can't possibly be a part of what i dreamt as i watched Vinnie Delpino on Doogie Howser trying to achieve his dream of being a film director, and me sharing that same feeling!

why do i feel like i am having a mid-life crisis at 22!? i am getting burnt out and quick. pretty soon i will have to heal these burns with some pure natural water, be it mountain spring, or salty ocean...i'm going to get there soon.

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