fear is a bitch that i must slap

2006-09-19 @ 1:48 a.m.

man it can be so funny how one small utterance of words, a first time spoken self admittance, can cause an onslaught of tears and hurt so bad.

i got to something tonight and it was thanks to him.

i put so much into my past relationship - 6 yrs worth - and that just doesn't go away and neither does everything that was involved with that -the love - the friendship - the connection

i chased him - got him - worked on him and the relationship for years - comprimised - but people don't change. it didn't matter that i knew he loved me - it didn't matter that i knew he expressed it in non-conventional ways - he wasn't ready. he was so hurt from his previous relationship that he never allowed himself to open up to me.
and so while i tried and tried and tried to the point of exhaustion i had to give up - i felt defeated - helpless - a failure.

i never give up and thats what hurt so bad - i admitted defeat by bowing out and that still lingers with me. that i failed the relationship in some way. and by not allowing a second chance i fear i failed him and somehow myself.

and now i'm faced with a new love - an amazing new love. but i fear so much - fear that the roles are reversed. i see so much of who i was and can be in him. yet i fear that i am allowing the hurt from my past limit what i open up inside to him. i fear that he has no idea how much i care about him because i never truly express it. i fear that i can't return all the beauty he gives me in my life. i fear that i again will lose, only this time it will be because i feared to lose in the first place if that makes any sense.

why can't i just tell him how i feel which in turn would make him feel so good?

ain't this a bitch.

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