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love - evlove - evolve?
2006-09-17 @ 7:05 p.m. what the FUCK is this SHIT called LOVE??? i mean what is it really? how can something that can be so beautiful, torment me at the same time? he is away right now - longest we've been apart in months. i just talked to the other one today for the first time after being apart for him for the first time in 6 yrs. in a while. how can i possibly miss two so opposite people so equally yet so differently? i just cant explain it. am i numb to things right now? do i really just need to be alone so i dont hurt anyone else and so that i can figure my shit out alone on my own without anyone weighing in? or will then i miss out some of the greatest possible love out there? damn man as soon as i thought i had it figured out i clearly dont. im such a mess - a crying mess and while I know why I still don't get it. I am a living oxymoron. i just cant be the gray in this spectrum of black and white anymore - its tearing me apart and fear is whats driving it. fear of commitment yet fear of being alone. fear of receiving so much love and not returning what is deserved yet fear of giving too much love and not receiving it. fear of losing him yet fear of losing him too. my heart hurts and i cant help but keep wondering - what if? what if he never came into the picture? what if i was alone? what if i never said what i said? what if i never allowed myself to fall so quick? what if i tell him i need to be alone - have that same conversation with a different person? what if i just runaway and start over? what if he isn't there when i get back? amidst the sniffles and the tears - love is at the core of it all. damnit!! DAMNIT!!!! DAMMMMMMNITTTT!!! maybe its like hving to choose your favorite dessert - what if i am just a lover of all things sweet, beautiful, delicious that make me feel good? can ya feel me on how that can be hard choice to make? man i am so ridiculous. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! |
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