the suspension of the suspension of disbelief

2006-12-04 @ 10:31 a.m.

so i just added and deleted by accident which blows...
this marks the beginning, or the end, or the middle of this circle depending on how you look at it - confused? well so am i.

i'm done.
i'm livid.
in and un controllably so.

it hurts to be called a liar when the other person simply wasn't completely candid, to be doubted, to have to answer to false accusations, to feel uncomfortable in your own home, to be told you're full of shit and to fuck off, to open everything for it to be abused, to be made to question yourself, to feel like you and nothing you do are not enough.

i don't have the energy. i didn't and i still don't - not for this.
i ended a relationship because it was sucking the life out of me, because more times than not i was fighting for something that maybe wasn't there. i can't fight anymore. there is so little left of me.

love is clearly not enough. you must weigh in the past, the hurt, the cutting words, the money, the readiness, the environment, the timing, the fact that people don't change...the reality of it all.

when its just 2 people that exist in a world that is created just be them, then of course all is fine, all is magnificent, amazing, out of this world. but you must add in all the other ingredients of life that make it the harsh reality we face every day. the shit that makes the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow turn into a pile of bills overdue. that makes the unicorn you 2 have been flying around on fade into a brokedown hooptie with an old engine and flat tire stuck in the same place you left it years ago.

what do you do? what do you do when you have so much love. so much incredible love that it consumes you and everything around it.
how do you balance it so that it adds to your life rather than takes away?

must you ultimately let it go?

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