2006-11-30 @ 9:48 a.m.
ok time for me to update this bitch.
I don't care if this space has been compromised.
I am at a point where I need this space to vomit all the thoughts/words out of my head and on something or floating around cyberspace i don't care.
I just haven't had much time to do my morning pages. While AX was away, I missed him, got lonely, but was finding a piece of myself.
I would write in the morning, and draw or sculpt at night, with no tv. I'd organize, clean, hang out with friends, stuff I'd been wanting to do without feeling pressure to be doing something else with someone else or guilty that i was spending this time alone at all and actually enjoying it.
But the truth is I miss him when he is not around.
I really do enjoy time spent with him, love hangin with him and everything. Even was really excited about the possibility of getting a place together.
But Thanksgiving BLEW ME.
I don�t know what it was exactly, I couldn�t pinpoint it but I didn�t feel free.
And yes, I made some errors in judgement but I was put in an unexpected and extremely uncomfortable situation and my first instinct kicked into place � to flee. And flee I did.
In fact, I�d like to still be fleeing curled up in some corner somewhere alone.
This is all so overwhelming.
I have 2 offers on the table at work for new positions and responsibilities but I need to make a decision soon.
I have a man I love but I fear I�ve created distance I can�t quite close although I know I could.
I also fear losing him � us � and therefore a piece of me.
I�m BROKE.
I miss stability.
Can�t we all just get along?
And I�m PMSing like a mofo.
Since when do I get PMS? Never.
I�ve never experienced cramps like this � and my tits!? My tits are huge and tender as balls. Not to mention my nipples don�t seem to want to do anything but remain like they are on ice.
This all blows.
Then last night as I am kneeling saying my night time prayer tears start streaming down my face! What the eff!? I just got so sad. Thinking of my Dad who�s bday is coming up soon and missing family time. And I feel for Meta who is trying to find that connection that�s been broken. It takes strength and I know she has it. It�s funny how our strength is tested in the most weak of times but they say that is what makes us stronger.
So there I was with tears constantly streaming in the dark trying to play Scrabble by candlelight with AX. Eventually he notices my sniffles are more than pure runny nose and he embraces me which broke the dam on my emotions because they began flooding out. It felt so good to have him hold me. I felt so close to him. But, then this morning he was so distant. This up and down is killing me. I feel insane. These emotions are unbearable at times.
Outside of the unexpected drama during the Tgiving weekend, I had a blast.
I hit up 3 different shopping malls to try and get the fix to ease the withdrawal I�ve been experiencing.
Picked up C-dot and rolled through our pseudo annual high-school reunion an hour late at a whack sports bar so clearly we saw only a few people, none of which were in our class.
Later we hit up the area of town which like most of DC is becoming over rated and over crowded. Saw JN and Cker briefly, all of whom met AX for the first time.
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This just in!
I just got into it with AX on the street.
I don�t know what more I can do�I�m trying, I really am but I�m seeing patterns that are really unhealthy.
AX: �What do you want?�
Me: �I want to have a healthy relationship with you � what do you want?�
AX: �I want that too but I don�t think it�s possible�
It feels like we are both tugging at the same thing but on opposite ends and its ripping us apart. There are things that can�t seem to be undone or replaced with anything positive no matter how we try.
He still doesn�t understand why or how I can write all this on a public �diary� for anyone to see. I can�t explain that anymore. This is my space, my private space, where only my closest friends know who I am and he knew that � knew it was private- but still read it and still holds it against me.
I am at a loss. All these different relationships. The past, the present, the possibility. Father, daughter. Young lovers. Boss, employee. Long time friends. Are all relationships symbiotic? Parasitic? Do we feed off these relationships, or do they feed on us? Are we better off with or without them?
We don�t have to have all the answers, but must we have so many questions?????