can i live?

2006-01-13 @ 5:55 p.m.

hey so i am pretty much having a meltdown of my strength and whole self right now. i'm not quite sure why i am telling you, maybe because i think you would understand. for some reason i always felt as though i could show weakness to you- something quite rare for me. everything caught up to me these past few days. all the loss. its the hollowness. i am beginning to feel the echo. now i am fighting with a broker and a landlady for an apartment i dont have a copy of a lease to in the amount of $6,000 which is pretty much everything i have right now and they have it in their hands. i'm tired of this situation. all of it. i work my ass off, for what? so i can be insulted - just to try to live in nyc. this is ridiculous and i am done. if you had heard the things this lady was screaming at me and i hadn't even done anything to her. i have to deal with holding onto the last bit of integrity at my job just to be berated when trying to live.
i haven't cried in a long time and i think i must have cried for 6 hours straight last night and on the verge of so right now.
i am sorry for this rant. this is probably the last thing you need. i am at work and losing it. i fear this city is getting the best of me. all my strength has been given to everyone else these past few months and now i don't have enough to hold me up.
i'm going to leave - probably won't even end up sending this...eh who cares anymore.

anyways i got to tell you - thanks for the tune you dropped on my line - it was the one thing that made me smile this week.
hope your strength is growing and that you are doing well.
---
i wrote that to a friend today or whatever you want to call it. i have some great friends and family in my life. they really pulled through for me this week - really. but now its all on me. and all the loss has me at a loss. i've never felt this weak - or vulnerable. can i live?

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