2005-08-09 @ 3:05 a.m.
It is 3:11 in the A.M. as i write. At 11:11PM i was ready to go to bed. I was about to turn off the computer when i get an unepected IM from who? none other than AX
Interesting considering my previous post
in which he was mentioned for the first time in MONTHS.
Interesting considering he was in my dream and has been in my thoughts as of late.
Intersting seeing as how I was going to email him tomorrow because I got this feeling of worry and wanted to check in even though considering our last turn of events thats the last thing I should be doing.
Interesting because its been 4 hours, I think one of the longest IM continuous conversations at least in a long while.
To preface the below excerpts, I had a feeling that he was in Miami from my dream, I found out that he was indeed there and has been for most of the summer. We jump from topic to topic, everything from our porn business, to language as software for the hard drive that is your brain, to speaking in Latin, to looking up origins of words in the dictionary, to speaking in Spanish, to personal expectations, to his friends, to my job, to the people in my life, to animals, to prayer, to definitions of forgiveness and happiness and…the list goes on and on…I will spare the most of it…below are the pieces that struck me the most. I am sure this will get hella conufsing and I could probably summarize it all but to do so would require analysis and me going off on tangents, etc...and i just am too tired...so i am just gonna copy and paste with the exception of a (few side remarks):
AX- things kind of slid down hill for me after i last saw you…i guess i have some major head issues to work out in new york …i only realized that i just kept feeling worse and worse, i went up to boston one week to help my grandparents out
when i got up there i had a breakdown…my parents flew me down to miami
Me - i could tell something was different tho
AX- my mom said the same thing….so all this acting i've been doing on the outside finally just shattered that day in boston, my mind blew up!
Me- i gotta admit i was and wasnt suprised that i heard from you
Me- It's wierd...i was thinking about you recently out of the blue...you were in a couple of my dreams, and i wanted to call and see how youwere doing...i got a sense from all those feelings that something wasnt right
AX- I've actually wanted to get in touch with you for awhile now, thought about calling but couldn't do it, i'm so sorry
Me- just know that you have a place in my thoughts...
AX- thanks for understanding, you're really good at that
Me- thanks...but didnt i tell you...regardless of anythign you are a person i want in my life for a long time
AX- that's heart-warming
AX- how's rebel soul these days? i wear one if those shirts a lot
Me- thats funny...in my dream you were wearing the grassroots one
only you cut off the sleeves
AX (simultaneously) -i don't have that one with me, though i cuistomized that one to
AX - how do you know that?????
Me - what?
AX- i cut off the sleeves!!!!
Me – SHUTUP…no way
AX - I CUT OFF THE MOTHERFUCKING SLEEVES
ME - you are joking
AX- NO I'M NOT FUCKING JOKING
Me- tahts nuts
AX - HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT SHIT
Me – dude it was in my dream (I tell him about my dream in which he was playin bball and the fruit tree, etc.)
AX- that's nuts, i was plaing b-ball in tompkins with mike, green all around, i had the shirt on, i cut the sleeves at the shoulder all raggedly and shit and cut the neck line out and the waist so it looked all jagged
AX- you have an amazing gift
Me- you still strumming your guitar?
AX- it’s been a while, just haven’t been feeling int…picked up the flute and piano again though
Me- woulda been nice to see a show
AX- i feel awful about it but still might have a chance someday
AX- you should be my manager
Me- well i will put that on the list
AX- i'm serious - you're excellent
AX- many many things
Me - as are you
AX- art for one, you're a good businessperson i'm sure your excellent at meetingds, you're very smart, your funny you generous, kind, good conversation, sixth sense, good company, good kisser
Me – oooh (I change topic here)
AX- a game of tag, cat and mouse, hide and seek?
AX- to blush is to live
Me -ah yes
AX- to live is seek
AX - to seek is to find
Me (simultaneously)- to seek is to find
AX - you are such a WIERDO
AX- to find and not hide
Me - how were you typing that at the same time...weird
AX - a mouse and a cat, to tag that which is it, that which you seek
AX- life, my dear we tag life, that which we seek is life
Me- seeking is living
AX – yes, a game of tag, cat and mouse, hide and seek?
Me- so to ultimately find mean you could stp living
AX- you could,or you couldn't. you could tag, you could be tagged. are you the mouse? are you the cat? the mouse seeks to hide
Me- the cat seeks to find -either way we are all seeking something
AX - yes, seeking life - the mouse seeks to hide because that how it will survive
Me- and the cat must eat that's how it must live
Me- but thats the barest skeleton of life the flesh of it all is the actual enjoyment and fulfillment
AX- yes but kids' games are pretty telling don’t you think?
Me -yes, yes they are as are the nursery rhymes, i thnk we all know now not to put a baby in a crib at the top of a tree
AX- the flesh is interesting
Me- its all about interpretaion...translating to be able to make snese of it all
AX- life is translation
Me -that it is
AX - on thousands of levels from infinitely small to infinitely large
Me - constant translations
AX -thats right, life is the symbo l of infinity and transactions- infinity is all around us
and within us
Me- cause history repeats itself...its just translated in a new language for you to reinterpret
AX- history does repeats itself...it's doing it righ now
Me - that it does and is, in a new language
AX- i have't laughed this m,uch in a while- this was helpful i was feeling pretty rotten earlier
Me- well im glad you reached out- as bizarre or random as it may sound, i was worried about you
Me- you my friend, should be seeking to find...not to hide - you are the mouse to your own cat
AX - you have a beautiful smile
Me- oh you still remember? you havent seen it in a while
AX- i remeber
Me - well im smiling right now
AX- you've been in some of my dreams too
Me - oh yeah?
Me- all that talk of dreams and you just now mention it?
AX- i guess so i remember so many dreams now
AX- you've been in a couple of the nice dreams the ones that are super random but still gentle
Me- thats nice to know
AX- so i remember
Me- i'm glad...the last time i saw you it felt like you had forgotten
AX- well, the last time you saw me, i was in the middle of a roller coaster ride
Me- well im glad its coming to a halt, as screeching as it is, so you can breathe
Me- its a daily struggle so i dont get lost but i have only control of myself
AX- i feel like i've been struggling against this shit since kindergarten when i started a class protest against the teacher- hey called in my parents
Me - the struggle is hardest for those that grow against the grain
AX - your right
Me- the key is to be able to sway with the wind, always remembering where you are rooted
AX- true, but that's partly what's gotten me so fucked up
Me- you'll get the sttrength again
AX- hey - hey - what's up it's funnyt
AX- go back to the beginning of this IM look how it started - now we're just motoring along three hours later
Me- i guess
AX- it's great, it’s natural
Me- but if you remember we havea tendency to do that
AX- i remember, i think it's wonderful
Me- especially insert a lapse of time...plenty of sh*t to talk about
AX- it is , its great - so i copied and pasted this into a word doc - 36 pages
Me - na uh
AX- we got ourselves a play started
Me- the constant writer however consistent in his inconsistency
OK, anybody??? How f*Cking weird is this sh*t right now!???!?!!?
Oh yes…how we are right back to square 1.