2005-05-11 @ 11:48 p.m.
It's interesting - life...it's kind of like chinese checkers - gather from that comparison your own thoughts, but right now thats what is making sense to me.
life is cyclical in the bigger picture and in the smaller picture. All these little wheels are turning individually to make up this bigger cycle that is in constant motion which we call the vicious cycle. Timing is a bitch isnt it? that's a huge component to what can make that cycle so vicious.
I remember a fortune cookie I once got when my patience was begining to wear, I actually still have it. "Time is the wisest counselor." Interestingly enough that one line on a piece of paper locked in that yellow cookie had an effect on me that kept my patience strong for almost another year. That was a time in my life where I read so deeply into everything I encountered on a daily basis. There was always some hidden symbolism in everything that I would discover that would put any racing questions to rest. I realize that I am beginnning to lose that imagination, that ability to realize and furthermore actualize the interconnectedness between every act, every person, every place.... that feeling of regardless of what path i was on, i was convinced i was always on the right one. I need to find that patience now, that symbolism, that path again....not for any one particular reason...just cause I need it.
I had dinner with him tonight...AX that is... As I walked up to meet him I pretended not to see him waiting across the street as I waited for the light to change... he was smiling...my stomach was churning. As I got closer he looked away each time our eyes met. Any psychologist in training would've had a field day with this particular case study. You take two people who fell so hard with one another in such a short time. Insert a couple of weeks of space, distance, and the label "friendship." Now take them and place them opposite one another at a vegetarian dim sum restaurant in chinatown. The waves of human emotion that would rise than get stunted was so obvious you'd be eating sand from how hard you hit the ocean floor each time.
The conversation was good, but gilded with some sort of self-inflicted protective armor so it wasn't the greatness that we typically share. Not only could you not penetrate the other persons forcefield you couldn't even penetrate your own. You stopped each time there was a moment to express something true. Why? Why do that to ourselves? He wasn't feeling well so we walked for a while. He was tired and wanted to head towards home. Typically I go with him, no questions asked. But, for some reason I stopped myself. I stopped at the entrance to the F train. I asked him "where are you walking?"
"i don't know, just walkin." He answered my question as if it was the most ridiculous question to ask, the truth is it was- at least coming from me to him. We would always just walk.
I told him I was going to grab the train and he seemed taken aback. Never once have I just gotten on the train after spending time with him. His face was sulking with disappointment but he said nothing. We hugged and parted ways, avoiding eye contact while so close. He waited at the top and watched as i walked down toward the subway, prompting me to turn around with every ..."Goodnight"..."bye"..."it was nice seein you"..."goodnight" that he yelled out from the top still standing in the same spot. I turned each time then disappeared.
I replayed the night as I was on the train home. The silence throughout the night was soooo comfortable but the conversation was what was awkward. The minute either one of us became engrossed in the others words while staring at one another we would put an end to it, change topic and look away as if weboth knew what would happen next....we'd....f...a...l..l...
And we couldn't do that. I mean timing is just not right. He's reconciling a friendship with his ex. I am in no position to reconcile our connection. I have a man that I love and things have been really good. So what the f*ck was i doing? What am i doing?? It's all about timing. And this is why I need to find my imagination again.
I called him when I got home. "hey, so it was nice seeing you tonight, thanks again for hanging out, it's good to see that you are taking the time to sort things out with everything - while I stay as far away as possible from even attempting to do the same - it's tough - so good luck, maybe we will see each other soon....goodnight."
What's funny is our paths have and continue to cross. Ironically he was in DC this past weekend, my hometown. I am looking at real estate in Miami, he's planning on moving to Miami. It's just funny that of all the cities in the world, the amount that we are having in common is crazy. Whatever I digress...I don't know what prompted me to make that call or leave that message. It felt like good bye but I don't know what I meant or was even saying. Is this the closure i needed? doubtful, but it will do....I don't really think him and i will ever officially have closure since we are both too chicken shit and cognizant of lack of timing to be honest again - to be honest again would mean re-opening what we need to and are failing to close....so for now its 'see you later' as i look to time to be my wisest counselor.
there goes a circle
On another note...It was my birthday last week and it was a blast! A brief summary of events includes me having a wonderful honest dinner with my man at an awesomely authentic Japanese restuarant. It was nice...it was special and real one on one which I needed and i think is helping me pt things into persepective. Next it was margaritas with my boys, and then a happy hour with work folks that led to a whole weekend of debauchery including my girls from DC (meta and bygeorge) as well as my girl CZ from the LI.
That weekend included me getting into a straight up fight friday night that led to the straight ghetto gangsta ass DC in me come out in full force (my mom was not amused to see her daughter on a website about to throw down on some girl, but in retrospect i can laugh)--to being completely flying above clouds with laughter and overwhleming calm at the same time all day Saturday with my girls as we ate cookies, partook in an unlimited mimosa-filled brunch, hung at a biergarten, stuffed ourselves with pasta, were treated to chocolate covered strawberries, and concluded the evening by toasting to my brothers bday at midnight with cookies and Moet.
Sunday I took the day to ween myself off the natural substances (cookies, my girls coming up) that entered my life for the past couple of days by eating another cookie and wandering the streets of NYC aimlessly alone until i found a cozy step at Union Square and sat for 3 hours watching the sunset and a dance troop perform in front of me.
I went home content, happy, and self-reflective...which is quite an accomplishment considering when I begin to reflect I usually piss myself off in some way.
Monday, after a long ass day bizness trip to Tornoto, was when I got the call from AX and was when the previous telling of events began to unfold.
Wow look at that...I just came full circle.
Anyways, I'm ok... i mean I think i am...with everything...I've realized that I have been immersing myself so deeply in work as a mechanism to avoid my mind getting into my head if that makes any sense.
So i am turning off the TV, picking up a book or a sketch pad and trying to remember who i am.
Just thought I'd add...the latin of the day is:
"vocis imago" = an echo
ha. that's funny.