Piecing the puzzle...floating

2005-02-02 @ 6:30 p.m.

There are many facets to each person, each of which is comprised of an edge of a puzzle piece. There are times when these puzzle pieces create a perfect fit with someone else’s. The question is, for that person to be the ONE do they have to fit all pieces of you are just a couple of ‘em?

So to break it down to the basic somewhat superficial core of it all, I’ve basically figured out there are two major pieces that comprise me.

There is Jagged Side 1:
A very ambitious, motivated, driven, business-minded, confident young woman. She loves the high-profile placement, the power trip, the money, the fact that her young ass self is schooling a group of old men in suits. She wants an MBA. She wants to be a top exec. revered in booming metropolises around the world. She loves respect, she loves to make the bottom-line and still be creative. She likes dressing up in a suit. She doesn’t believe its superficial as far as the money because she feels in some way she’s making a difference. She likes pressure-filled problem solving situations. She can be a hardass but will compromise in certain situations, even herself. She likes to plan the rest of her life, and does what she can to meet those goals and fulfill those plans. She wants her kids to go to the best schools and have every opportunity in life. She wants a family in a nice home without having to worry about money; a husband that shares many of her same qualities. The physical of their relationship and deep investments shared make up for the lack of emotion. A sort of…unspoken word between him and her. She wants a stable, sometimes overly confident, sometime macho man with investments and drive to excel.

Then there is the more Rounded Side 2:
A very warm hearted, nature loving, creative, still ambitious young woman. She wants to dig through the lands past to help figure out the future. She doesn’t give a shit about money, probably because ideally she already has enough. She is perfectly happy in sweats covered in clay. She travels the world, not for business but for pleasure. She wants to go back to school for the love of learning, not for the degree. She wants to just be artistic all day long but in a very selfish not for profit manner. She doesn’t have an office in a corporate building, instead she has tents over excavations around the world. She has a studio in her home. She doesn’t feel the societal standard pressure and instead enjoys the ease of life and truly believes that you can’t PLAN to fully enjoy your life. She flies by the seat of her pants. She has a family. Her largest responsibility and joy in life is raising her children. She has a husband that just fulfills her need for happiness. He too is creative and shares many of the same qualities. They compromise together, and do so willingly. He doesn’t allow the stress of finance to disrupt his artistic joy. They have an amazing connection that is open and honest and filled with communication. They create beautiful art together.

Now, these are two very extremes both filled with LOVE. And there are definitely elements that overlap, although I didn’t point it out, but as much as I love living in the gray, I had to make it as black and white as possible…for me…right now. I’m torn. What do I want? As he wrote on his bedroom wall in bright permanent marker “What is it?” What is this that I am doing? Do I toss my investments? Am I falling or am I Growing? Do I need to break this cycle? Side 1 won’t let me but Side 2 is pleading me.

Each piece of this puzzle has found its match, unfortunately I am but one person.

Do you break one off and hope the other will eventually fit? Or will it just never fit? Or do you test which bond is stronger simultaneously? And, is that fair…to me?...to them?

I guess ideally you find that one that fits both sides so that the 3 can just be 2 in order to become that 1.

2 sides to a record, still just one record...to be completely honest David Bowie’s kind of hitting it on point, and i can't get it outta my head the needle keeps skipping on the record…

“I'm floating in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today
For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do
Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles
I'm feeling very still
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go…”

so i was gonna leave it at that but damn there is just so much more for me to say and get out of my head. like for instance, these words are lingering, words that were just expressed to me so lovingly...

"i feel like my heart is a town that just got bombed and leveled to the ground and i see everything in black and white, and you are this beautifully colorful flower emerging from the ruin. The questions are...Do I nurture this flower and help it grow, or should i stay focused and begin to rebuild the town? I am conflicted. Do i follow nature? Or become the lone architecht?"

what the F*CK!!!!!!! rational vs. irrational steady vs. spontaneous

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