can't sleep

2004-05-03 @ 12:55 a.m.

it's amazing how a place, a smell, a sound, a person can change you.

i am back in NYC now from an exhausting but cathartic trip with my girl in Europe.

there's a brewing restlessness inside of me keeping me up even though I just got back. I can't sit still. I got a taste of what could be and now everything on my palate is bland in comparison.

i remebered on the flight back that i was told months back by a "healer" that i would be drawn to Europe in the Spring and that once back I would be pulled there again, for an indefinite stay and an indefinite reason. I wonder.

I wonder a lot of things as I sit at home, unable to sleep as exhausted as I am. I wonder what "could be."

Each place we went had an indescribable charm to it. A comforting feeling that I am longing for now as I try not to think of the queue of emails, mintues of voicemails, and stacks of papers awaiting me at my desk tomorrow morning.

There are many stories to tell and I will get it all out eventually but this voice that is keeping me awake has to come out now.

I called my man when i got back. After my answering the expected question of "hey, how was the trip?" he hurried off the phone with "the sopranos are on, i will talk to you tomorrow..."

i should have guessed. why would he miss me not having spoken to me in 10 days? i mean it is just 10 days. sure the sopranos are more important. sure he woulda called me after if i had my cellphone for him to call. but i got off the phone wondering if i even cared. a piece of me so badly wanted to be back where I just departed from that it just didn't matter to me...did i really miss him? or was i having just too much fun being treated with class... with charm... as a lady, that I was disappointed to come back to where that is not always the case? i know i sound terrrible but i am just contemplating

there's so much passion there, so much possibility.

what is love if it is taken for granted?

In a discussion of love with my french friend in the Bastille district of Paris, amidst the smoky red lounge, candelight and now our second bottle of wine, he expressed, "one can have many loves in their lifetime. it is not a defining line in which to live by, but a feeling....a feeling you can experience with a conversation, a touch, or even a glance...an impression left for always."

a hopeless romantic, or a hopeful romantic, i'm not quite sute. i just know that i am not the same. i got caught in the city for lovers without my lover. now im stuck.

the internal battle within has been waged. but i know that soon this too shall pass. i must fuse my dreams with the harshness of reality to form my own reality and create true balance.

my man is coming up here tomorrow, probably because it is my birthday on tuuesday...we shall see

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