random kismet....oxymoron?

2003-10-27 @ 12:28 p.m.

So I've recently been told that i should write for 10 min. everyday. Being that its clearly been a while since I have, I think my hesitation to pick back up the pen, or keyboard for that matter, is obvious. I was also told I'd write a book one day, who knew.

Although I like my moments to myself I have truly realized that a big part of my happiness comes from those around me. I have this cyclical funk that I slide into every so often when I don't have anyone to fill with joy. It's like the basic framework for any story only its my life. Right now I am experiencing the denoument. Let's take the events of these past weeks:

Introduction- pleased with my surroundings I am content... with work, with friends, love, etc.

Rising Action- my plan for a vacation is finally set into place, i begin to prepare.

Climax- On vacation with my baby and Loving IT! then BOOM come home to a place thats been wrecked and robbed. BAM close friends and family come to kick it for the weekend. joy and pain. high and low.

Falling Action- my present state. alone. the excitement is gone, the place is clean, the fam and friends have left, my thoughts are increasingly becoming louder and louder.

Closure- i have none. this is the problem, right back to the beginning , no closure, just the cyclical funk.

I like taking care of others,though i don't think i really know how to take care of myself.

Therefore, I have decided that every girl should have a "mr. Big." That one guy that takes care of you when you can't or when your man is acting a fool. Just a guy where the comfort is felt and there are no pretenses...i think i found mine. is it ok that i have more than one?

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I was told that my subconcious is where all my memories from my past lives rest. That i should pay attention to my dreams because that's when those memoreis come to life--explaining why dreams are so telling, they just re-confirm what you've always known.

So I just installed my fountain...its soothing and to think I stood staring at it in the store deliberating for a full non-exaggerative hour now makes sense. I should have listened to my first sense. But, am i really from Atlantis? I believe it. i just hope now this flowing of water will begin my healing.

Apparently I am a healer--I am one of the few in the world who still believe in the human spirit, and its my duty to show others the kindness they have forgotten is embedded in their human make-up.

And this, my friends, is why i get shat on.

You would think I learn, but I don't. I don't have that capability. But, I ask you...

Is there a difference between trusting and believing in the goodness of others not to shit on you and just plain being gullible?

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A lot of what I have always known has just been re-confirmed--it's actually quite comforting.

Dad, I am listening.



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